JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, March 15, 2010

When a Girl Needs Her Mom

So apparently I need surgery. I've been having pretty bad pain for the last couple of months, especially during my period. After a pelvic ultrasound, which is a little traumatic for a survivor, it appears that I have 2 cysts and 2 fibroids, each about 4cm. I also have endometriosis all over my pelvic area. I got referred to a gyn surgeon who wants to do laproscopic surgery who said that it will take between 2-5 hours depending upon what she finds. Recovery is a week or two, and for the 1st week, I'll need someone around to take care of me.

My sister said that she won't do it. I'm so hurt. I didn't ask my dad, but he didn't offer either. I had been talking about it with 2 friends and offered to pay their ticket, neither of whom are working right now, but I'm not sure if they'll do it. I'm feeling really freaked out right now. I feel vulnerable, alone, and I miss my mom. I need my mom to come take care of me, and she can't.

I've been going to this ridiculously expensive acupuncturist who apparently can cure cancer. He's got me on this disgusting "tea" and coming in twice a week, even though his office hours conflict with work. He told me that I need to lose some weight and that stress and trauma are having a big effect on things.

I want to confront my sister, but I don't know how to do it without being mean and starting a fight. I want to have someone in my life to take care of me. I have been seeing this really fabulous person, who has offered, but it is SO early in the relationship, it just doesn't seem appropriate. I don't want him to be my everything and to be so dependent on him. I want to have people in my life who I can lean on in times like this, and it sucks to think that maybe I just don't have that.

I'm having a hard time concentrating on work. I just want to cry and sleep and crawl up in bed snuggling with my dog. Yeah, I guess I'm depressed. I'm a little nervous that this could be ovarian cancer (which my grandmother died of) or that I'll be infertile (even though I prefer to adopt, don't know what this new guy wants, and afraid I'll lose him if I can't give him kids). I'm just scared, vulnerable, and trying to make it through.

On a side note, I'm really sick of the 90 spam attempts on my blog. Seriously, everything has to be approved, so stop trying to advertise on my blog.

Labels: , , ,