Augh what an emotionally draining night! Or whole day or.....well, it started last night:
Jerry and I met *A* downtown for this art night. Its hard to get Jerry and *A* to communicate with each other. Finally, Jerry's friend Bob comes and meets up with us, and then *A* leaves to go hang out at this bar he's always at. I had too much to drink and had been pushing for awhile to eat something and/or go home. Jerry and Bob want to go to this one restaurant where they're having $3 margaritas. We don't end up really eating dinner until like 9ish, which is super bad for my digestion and Jerry wanted to get this dish with a lot of cream sauce which is also bad for my digestion, but I'm so exhausted at this point; I just want to eat.
Bob and I have very little in common. He makes some comment towards the end of dinner making fun of certain people as "retarded." I decide not to challenge him on the use of the term because I don't want to make trouble with Jerry.
After we say goodnight to Bob, Jerry makes a comment that I seemed cold to Bob. I say that I didn't appreciate that "retarded" comment. Jerry asks why I would care at all about the comment. I explain that I'm especially sensitive to that sort of comment because I had a sister who was born before I was, who didn't live long, and who was severely mentally handicapped. Jerry: "you didn't even know your sister." He also commented that he likes Bob because Bob is uncensored.
I've told very few people about this sister who died, and I was really hurt the way that he snapped that comment at me. I didn't know what to say and I certainly wasn't up for hearing anything more like that, so I just shut up. I certainly felt very censored by both Bob and Jerry.
Today, things were somewhat awkward with Jerry. He almost started this fight with me over email about plans for tomorrow. My friend is having a birthday and has organized a group of women to go for a hike in the morning and then a formal party (black tie sort of thing) at her house. I had mentioned this to Jerry awhile ago and he didn't seem that into, plus his brother is in from out of town. So anyway, I just assumed that I'd go by myself and he'd hang out with his brother. But, when I said that in an email, he was all jumping down my throught until finally I called him and sorted it out.
Then, he came with me tonight to Costco. I bought a chicken which we had for dinner. I mentioned my thought about therapy and offered to make him the deal of starting to shave my legs. He laughed, which I thought was good, but then he started this whole huge conversation/argument which lasted for 2-3 hours in which he basically said at different points that he thinks that the issue is more my being sensitive than him being verbally abusive, that our relationship is taking more work than he's ever had to put into a relationship and maybe its not worth it, that he doesn't find counseling worthwhile in general (he did couple's counseling with a previous girlfriend and thought it didn't help)....Augh!
Then, he said he wanted to go home (understandably its his roommates birthday; although he didn't invite me back). I asked how we were leaving things, and he posed the question back to me. I told him that I was willing to work on confronting him when issues arise and asked that when I do that he say something along the lines of "thanks for bringing that to my attention; I care about you and will try to work on that." I kept suggesting over and over that I could use some affirmation - all he could give me is that I'm "a cool girl." I told him that I love him and have faith that we can work things out.
Honestly, at this point, I really don't know. He went on and on at the end about how scientists (like him) are just different than social scientists (like me). I tried to get physically close with him, giving him a kiss and a snuggle, but I felt all of this distance from him. I feel like at this point, I have given this my all, and I've tried everything that I could possibly try. I opened up so much tonight and made myself so vulerable, and I don't feel like he was willing to do the same in return. He did a bit - openning up about the past experience with therapy and that some other ex had mentioned not feeling respected by him BUT he won't give me anything about how he feels about me (other than he feels frustrated) and even tonight he said certain things in a demeaning way and still had the nerve to make fun of me (which I pointed out to him, per his request).
Tomorrow, he'll be hanging out with his brother. I don't know if we'll even have any alone time at all this weekend; we certainly have no plans. Things between us are crap, and I feel like he doesn't really care. I WILL NOT let myself be this man's doormat. I love him, but he clearly does not love me in return. I'm going to keep trying to make things work with him, but this I vow to myself, if he doesn't make some real effort to stop being verbally abusive with me and this continues, I will leave him and not have anything to regret.
Labels: dating, Jerry, therapy, verbal abuse