JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Wheat Free Bread -- Seeking Recipes

I was diagnosed a few months ago with a wheat allergy BUT I'm not allergic to gluten. Its been pretty rough finding food to eat, especially because I also have to limit dairy, no coffee, and am hypoglycemic so try to limit my sugar intake. Augh!

To treat myself to an early birthday present, I bought myself a Cuisinart Convection Bread Maker. And now, I'm seeking recipes! I'm surprised to find out that it is somewhat rare to be allergic to wheat but not gluten. Most recipes that I've found out there for wheat free bread is ALSO gluten free. And now offense to those of you who are allergic to gluten, but the gluten free stuff tends to be a bit gross. Plus, a lot of those whole grains that you're allergic to are actually good for me.

SO, here's my call: if you have a recipe for a wheat free bread, preferably one made in a bread maker, please post it or link to it on this post.

Here are the ones I've found so far:
Amaranth, Quinoa, and Buckwheat bread
Corn and Quinoa Bread


Thursday, August 21, 2008


Today, my kitchen remodel is finally finished! It looks fantastic. I also finished a draft of an article, which my advisor told me she'd have read by Monday. And before hearing that while we had dinner at my favorite restaurant....

I called Larry to ask for my food back. (He had been storing it at his house while I was waiting for the new fridge to arrive due to a bad mix-up.) He didn't answer at first, then called me back but didn't leave a message. (I saw it on caller id.) So, when I phoned back, he offered to bring the food over. This was a big relief because I had basically given up on getting it back.

He came over, gave me the last of my stuff back, and had very little say. He just had that scared look on his face that he's had since he broke up with me. And I was VERY polite the whole time, saying nothing to engage him on a negative level.

It felt like such a relief to be able to see him and have the emotion past me. I don't want to be with him anymore; I see him now for who he is. I am happy with my life. I am very blessed with many things.

At the same time, I earlier today realized that my love life is sort of hopeless. But nonetheless, I am feeling very appreciative of my life right now. And just to make closure complete, tonight I watched the movie "40 year old virgin." This is a movie that Larry told me he hates -- I think in part because he can relate to the character. (He is that level of a nerd.) Anyway, watching it, I imagined myself letting go of my relationship with Larry.

And here's how I'll do it better in the future (thanks April): I'll take good care of myself. Right now that means eating well, spending time with friends, taking an adult ed fun class, reading, being balanced, working out, finding fun things to do around town, yoga, acupuncture, therapy, massage, facials, watching good movies, reading good books, blogging, riding my bike, etc.

Labels: , ,

Monday, August 18, 2008


Last night, an old boyfriend showed up from out of town. It became clear that he was only interested in sleeping with me on his way through town and nothing more. He was somewhat rude, and the whole evening was disappointing and depressing.

Then, tonight I thought I'd celebrate after finishing my first full dissertation chapter that will be my writing sample for the job market. Plus, I wanted to blow off steam and find some girl to kiss to make me feel better about having been dumped. Jennifer, my ex-girlfriend and one of my best friends, offered to drive me. I spent a lot of time getting ready and got very excited about the possibility of kissing Jennifer again -- I mean, why would she offer to pick me up so far out of the way if it wasn't to have the opportunity to be alone with me?

We get to the club which has weekly gay night on Sunday. At first, it was very fun. I know a lot of people there who are all very friendly. And it feels good to dance. I do tequila shots - only 3 over the course of the night. But it feels good to let loose. Jennifer bugs me for not flirting with women, but all I want to do is dance, and I just think about how great it'll be to kiss, and that I won't make the first move.

Then, she starts dancing with this woman. (She had encouraged me to dance with her; she's new in town, but I told J that the woman is WAY too young for me.) And then twice straight men practically maul me on the dance floor. I'm so grossed out and disappointed about what's happening with J, that eventually I take a cab home which cost me $30!

Now its 2am, and its too depressing to get into bed alone tonight. I feel very lonely. I miss having someone to share my life with. Its been very hard stopping myself from calling Larry. I did look on facebook and see that he's now listed as single and interested in women. Its as if he's ready to start dating already, and tomorrow will be a week since he dumped me.

Everything hurts too much. I am working all the time trying to get my job packet ready. My home is a mess from the kitchen remodel. I just want to go away to Esalen, but I sadly don't have even 5 days to take off. I took off so much time visiting my family, having surgery, and then recovering.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed tonight.

Labels: , ,

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Ready to Move On

Well, this break-up really tore me up. I didn't fall asleep the first night until around 2am and then woke up around 7am. I was crying all the time and couldn't focus at all on work.

I decided that instead of the original plan that was made when Larry dumped me -- that we would meet again later for him to explain the reasons why he wanted to end things. I just couldn't take any of that in the other night; I needed time to digest that he had told me that he loved me and then shortly afterwards was telling me that he's leaving.

So yesterday morning, I emailed him and asked if he would write it down in an email/letter instead of meeting with me. He wrote back that he was thinking the same thing, but that he'd "get" to it when he has time. I wrote him pleading for him to take the time to do it as soon as possible because I need it to heal. He replied briefly saying that it should be enough knowing that I'm "invisible" to what he's thinking (or something along those lines). I replied with another plea for the explanation, telling him that he claims to have loved and cared about me, and if that is true, then please to give me what I need. I told him that this was all I want - not to get back together, not to see him. I was thinking to myself that I'm not asking for him to pay for the tickets I bought for him to go to the opera which I can't use now, that I'm not asking for him to get some of my stuff back to me; I just asked to know why he made the decision to break up with me.

And I spent all day just waiting for his email, waiting for him to give me closure, bracing myself for whatever he might say. I phoned my therapist sometime in the afternoon asking her if I should contact him again, perhaps call him, and try to talk him to getting me this letter OR just tell him to forget about. She told me that I was being anxious, and that I needed to control my anxiety until our therapy meeting (at 11am today).

Last night was his last reply. It came around 11pm. He told me, in very carefully worded terms: "I will write to you later this week. I need to work on something for my
meeting with Derek on Thursday. Plus I think a cooler head/heart would
help me summarize my feelings." When I read this, I just felt so angry. He's telling me that HIS school work is more important than my work (because I haven't been able to work) and my well being. He is speaking to me in these carefully crafted words that are free of emotion, indicating a huge distance between us.

So I thought about it. My therapist told me to not say anything until she and I meet. But why did I really need to keep holding on to this? Why do I need to give him the power to tell me what my mistakes were and what lessons I need to learn for next time? Why should I continue holding on to my love and care for him to want to know what happened in his heart? Why should I continue to feel pain for the loss of a relationship with a person who was showing total disregard for me? (I mean this in terms of the letter request, that he planned out breaking up with me without any communication with me that he was even thinking of such a think, that we got so vulnerable with each other RIGHT before the break-up, etc.)

So I emailed him back and said, " I think that your response to me in the last two days tells me enough. I would prefer it if we end our contact with each other here." After I sent it, I felt very empowered and relieved. Finally, I could let go of my pain and my heartache and my attachment to the relationship. And when I think about it, I can figure out on my own and with the help of my friends and my therapist what the lessons are for me and what to do differently next time. Why should I respect the opinion of a person who has been lying (keeping things from me) for months now and who shows blatant disregard for what I need? The letter would likely have been very carefully crafted and diplomatic, but written in a way that would just hurt me and blame me for everything.

With that off my back, I was able to relax a little bit and then fall asleep. I finally slept very deeply. I woke up this morning a little happy and a little angry at him. In part, I'm happy that I am able to move on from the shock to the angry phase. I've struggled for such a long time to be able to let myself feel anger, since like many women especially women survivors, I tend to repress anger which turns into depression. I feel happy that I was able to decipher for myself what I needed and take back control of my life. I feel happy that I'm able to take back control of my life in general, that I can get back to the many parts of my life that I really do love, and I can move on from a man who had a lot to offer me, but was clearly not my soul mate. I see that now, now that he's shown his true colors a bit. I don't need to know exactly how or where he's been keeping things from me or even who he really is. I know that he's not someone that I can share my life with.

Labels: , ,

Monday, August 11, 2008

He Dumped Me

I sit here typing crying my eyes out, confused as all hell, having had a fabulous and then horrible night. I don't exactly know what happened. Everything was lovely: sushi at my favorite restaurant, great conversation, emotional intimacy as Larry opened up and we both shared things for the first time.

When we got to my place, he kissed me and then proceeded to explain to me that he was breaking up with me. I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach. I want to cry my eyes out, and I do. And then I stop and just feel so confused. I don't know whether to cry and be upset or be angry that he's been hiding these negative feelings and doubts all the while telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me.

I feel like such an idiot and incapable of having a successful long term relationship. At least with Jerry we lasted 6 months. And this was 4 months! Why have I been opening up to this man; trusting him with my heart? I told him at the beginning that I wasn't looking for a relationship because I had enough going on in my life with my mom. But he told me that he was ready to take all of it on. And I believed him. Did he ever mean it? Why did he have me buy $350 opera tickets? Why was he making plans with me to go on vacation and to travel to and from Kansas City when my mom passes away? Why did he keep telling me that he loves me and is so happy to be with me?

We did have a fight last week, and then we talked it through. We agreed that I'd get an Imago workbook and we'd work through our issues together. And then things were fantastic again between us.

Augh! Augh! Augh! Okay, so the Jewbu quest right now is to let go of my attachment to the relationship, to ground myself in the present moment and the things that I do have (my friends, graduate school, fabulous mentors, graduating in the fall, my family, etc.), to take extra special care of myself, to give myself permission to feel whatever comes up, and to not internalize any of the negative things that Larry said to me.

I am so incredibly heart broken right now. I really felt so deeply for this man. I opened up to him and counted on him. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call him and beg him to take me back. Another part of me wants to never speak to him again. Part of me wants to get really drunk. Another part of me wants to stay up all night and cry. This is all so unexpected.

Labels: , , , ,

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Silences and Trust

So, I've been seeing this guy, Larry, now for about 4 months. He claims to love me and that he'll do anything for me. But, lately, I just feel a lack of trust with him, and I'm wondering if this is about my own issues that I should come or a warning sign to slow down.

Here's what's going on: I've noticed that Larry doesn't open up much, especially not recently. When there are difficult issues, he clams up and just gets silent. Sometimes, he gets very formal in his conversation. I talk a LOT, so sometimes, I get uncomfortable that he's not interested in what I'm saying, and there are signs that maybe sometimes he's just not listening (or at least not hearing me).

Example: I had been looking forward to Thursday night for a long time. There's a special event in my town, and I normally have to miss it due to volunteering with a local organization. I made plans to go with Larry to the event as soon as I got back to town. I was at Sears trying to fix the fact that they haven't delivered my new appliances (even though I already got rid of the old ones because Sears had promised to deliver my appliances earlier) which was basically a huge stressful mess, when Larry calls me to tell me that his friend is going to be moving out of town and is having a give away party at about the same time as the event.

This is the second time that Larry has canceled something big with me because of this friend's last minute plans. Both times, Larry got very formal and basically made it a black or white issue -- either he'll be with me or he'll be with his friend; he offers little flexibility on making both work out. He speaks sort of in circles so I can't figure out easily what he really wants, especially since he never comes out and says what he wants. It becomes more passive aggressive, and he says things like: I'll give up this really important thing to do your thing, even though my thing is really important and I don't want to miss it.

Both times, he stressed me out in the middle of stressful situations. He spoke to me very formally and vaguely, leaving me to try to figure out what he really wants, what the options really are, etc.

I've been trying to talk to him about this, but he admittedly doesn't understand what I'm trying to convey. He openly said that if he gets an invitation to be with friends and they're doing something important, that he doesn't see any problem with canceling on me, even if it is last minute and even if our plans are important too.

I sort of got him to understand that we have different communication styles, and that for me communication is intimacy, and if he doesn't communicate openly and directly with me about what he wants, that I feel distant from him and a lack of trust. He admitted that he doesn't really have close friends so he doesn't ever practice open communication. He's always holding back and filtering, but he doesn't see a problem with that.

THEN on top of it all, we made plans to go study together this afternoon, and he calls me at 1pm to tell me that he has other plans to speak on the phone to his brother and mother. "I don't know why I didn't tell you that before." I said "I'm sure you just forgot." But I'm thinking to myself -- did you forget or did you just have problems communicating?

I don't even want to see him tonight. When he tries to kiss me, I just want to pull away. When he says "I love you," I want to say back "then act like it and open up to me."

Is this me reacting to the difficult situations in my life or is me recognizing big red flags? Should I slow things down with him or is this my issue that I have to get over?

Labels: , , , ,