JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, March 30, 2009

When Are Anti-Depressants Necessary?

I am still debating whether or not to go on an anti-depressant. Some days are better than others, and while I feel less depressed than I did a month ago, its still here. I don't know what is depression really though and what is just grief. If what I'm feeling is just grief, then is it appropriate to go on an anti-depressant? I'm going to discuss this stuff with my therapist Wednesday. And I'm going to keep working out a lot, taking herbal anti-depressants, and taking the meditation class.

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Saturday, March 14, 2009

What Makes Me Smile

April suggested, in a comment to my last post, that I think about things that make me smile to help me battle the depression that's been setting in as a consequence of feeling hopeless about how my father is handling the care (or lack there of) of my mother.

I had her question in my head last night when I started to feel the depression wave come in. So I first went to work out, but then I realized that I had forgotten socks in my gym bag (and I was wearing flip flops) so I had to skip that. I went home and ate a whole box of mac and cheese. Then, I decided to take myself on a shopping spree. When I went into the Aveda store, I was offered a chakra balancing and neck massage. It was just what I needed. Even though that was a pretty expensive depression treatment, it made me realize that there are things that I can do to shift things.

So here's my list.

Things That Make Me Smile
  1. massages
  2. watching my dog play with other dogs
  3. yoga
  4. hanging out with friends (sometimes)
  5. seeing an old friend
  6. talking to my niece and nephew
  7. sex*
  8. flowers
  9. a really good meal
  10. cookies
  11. Danny Kaye movies
  12. seeing students learn
  13. acupuncture
  14. watching the sunset
  15. brunch with friends
  16. working out at my gym with the trainers who have become like friends
  17. sushi
  18. the coffee shop around the corner from my place
  19. people telling me they appreciate me
  20. getting a pedicure with Jennifer
Ah, I need to be in a relationship!!!

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Depression is Setting In

Since the crisis that happened about a month ago when my father announced once again that he intends to euthanize Mom, I have gone through a range of emotions - anger, fear, sadness, hopelessness. Through this process, a deep depression is setting in. I either cry or feel numb. I'm having problems concentrating. I feel disconnected from my friends and have a hard time being present. I'm never hungry, but I tend to overeat.

My therapist said that maybe I should consider going on an anti-depressant. I have ordered some more natural stuff online and am waiting for it to arrive in the next few days. I figure that I'll try that, and if it does not work, then I'll make an appointment with the Psychiatrist at school (whom I sometimes refer to as my pusher). I may need to go ahead and make the appointment soon since she tends to book up and have a waiting time of up to a month.

I'm trying to keep up with working out 5 times a week, making myself connect to other people and do things with others, keep plugging along with work, seeing my therapist and the counselor from Hospice, and caffeinating myself to the point of being jittery just to be able to focus. I know can feel the depression setting in, and I don't like it. I wish that there was a way out of it other than medication.

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Sunday, March 01, 2009

Dating is Painful

Last night I went out with the perfect on paper guy again - as friends. After I bought very expensive theater tickets he told me that he had started dating someone, but that he'll still come. Augh! I hate dating.

So we went for this very awkward and uncomfortable dinner, and then saw the show - for which we were late because he insisted on ordering dessert even though we didn't appear to have time and I had told him I wasn't interested because I had been that afternoon for a cupcake tasting (for my friends' wedding --- it was fabulous!).

And, I'm just frustrated. I actually joined to meet this guy, and he's the only one on there locally that seems interesting to me. He doesn't really seem that interested in developing a friendship because he's leaving town soon and has a lot going on in his life. He didn't seem totally present at dinner. And maybe its all for the best. Maybe this is the universe sending me a sign that I should stop looking for someone perfect on paper and look instead for someone who has qualities that don't show up in those websites -- someone warm, compassionate, good communicator, who shares my values? I don't know. All I know is that I'm exhausted.