JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Most Amazing Night

There's this guy, Z, who I've had a little crush on since I was 17, and he was a teacher in this BBYO summer program. I've kept in contact with him over the years and seem him several times since then - I stayed with him in DC once, I went with him to stay at his friends' place for a weekend in Israel, ran into him in KC before when he came to give a talk....Anyway, two days ago, I had a frustrating and draining day with my mom, so I sat on my dad's couch and read the Jewish newspaper and see that Z is going to be in town the next day giving a talk and that he's currently teaching at my alma matter. It was just so random; I couldn't believe it. I normally don't bother reading that paper, and how often am I normally here!

Anyway, I went to his talk, and he recognized me immediately and seemed pleasantly surprised to see me there. It was wierd to go to the talk, which was at the JCC, because people kept coming up to me and asking about my mom. But anyway, after the talk, he gave me a big hug, and we spoke really briefly about meeting after his second talk later that night, which I couldn't go to because I needed to tuck in my mom.

After I got back from my mom's place - which took an extra while because there was a thunderstorm which scared my mom, I called him and met him at his hotel. We layed in his bed for an hour as he was falling asleep, catching up. I got bold and told him that I've had this crush on him. I couldn't tell how he was responding to this, so I just changed the topic and kept the conversation going. Anyway, I was going to leave because he was so passed out and it was late, but I asked him if I could give him a hug. I came across the bed and he gently but boldly moved me to kiss me and from there it was just wild and everything happened really intensely and fast and it amazing. I won't share the details, but it was hot.

Afterwards, we snuggled a bit and I asked if he minded if I held him for awhile. Z: "You can hold me all night." It was so perfect. I wanted to lay there and just hold him and sleep, but after awhile, I started getting my night time anxiety, with the jerking away with every noise and it was clear that I wouldn't be able to sleep there, especially since I didn't have the tranquilizer that I've been taking to sleep since my neighbor was murdered. I left him a note because he was passed out. I hope that I hear from him and that he isn't mad. I really wished that I could have stayed there, even though my father would have freaked out if I wasn't at his house in the morning. It was hard to admit that the PTSD was still a limitation; I wanted just to finish sharing an amazing night with this amazing guy. I tried to stay grounded by focusing on Z's smell and breath and arms, but it just wasn't enough. Still, I'll always remember last night.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Three friends total have now said that if need be, they would take care of me - *A*, K, and Sara. I don't expect any of them to do so, but it means a lot that I'm not really alone and that I do have people that I can depend on.

Taking A Breath

Well, I'm in KC. The flight was pretty hard on my dog, but she did okay. I gave her a tranquilizer, and it was maybe even too strong. She was acting as a super drunk person, hobbling around, very mellow. She was agitated though clearly on the take off and landing, but I guess that's to be expected.

I convinced my dad to stop by my mom's ALF on the way from the airport. When we walked in, Mom was agitated about not being able to find her remote control for the tv. We said we'd look for it and eventually she sat down and looked at me and said my name in a very excited tone. Then she opened up her arms for me to come give her a hug. She's been really excited to have the dog here too, although she said the other day "I like having the dog here, but I'm more happy that you're here." It was very sweet. Yesterday, she told me: "You'll be a very good mother." I said: "Did you say that because I'm taking such good care of you?" "Yes." "Well, that's because you were such a good mother."

Oy this whole theme though, so I finally got the DSL hooked up, and I'm setting up my office in my mom's old office (previously my sister's bedroom). I open up this drawer to put something in, and I see these Mother's Day cards from last year. My dad wrote the following on the card to my mom:

My dearest (Mom's name),
Wishing my wonderful wife a very happy Mother's Day. The rewards of your hard work as a mother now have brought you (my niece), (my nephew), and (my brother in law).
May our other daughter also bring us the same.
Your loving husband,

Can you believe that? Not naming me. Not acknowleding anything about my life. Defining everything in life by having kids. Oy. It did make me laugh though.

So, today I'm taking the day off to do my own stuff and am only going over to see my mom after dinner. I'm getting my haircut by the guy who used to do my mom's hair. I'm going to ask him about how she was with him and about how the person at the place doesn't do her hair right and maybe get instructions from him to pass on. Then, I'm going to the JCC to go to a talk over lunch that I read about in the Jewish newspaper yesterday. Turns out this very old friend of mine is in town to give this talk. It is so random. We had lost touch and honestly I've always had a crush on him. Anyway, after that I'll have some time to do some work and then at 3:30, I'm going to the chiropractor here that my mom and I used to go to. She's really amazing, and I bet she can just get rid of all of these headaches and backpain that I've been suffering with for years. I can also talk with her a bit about my mom and try to piece back together the progress of her disease. Then, its dinner with my father (he usually only eats red meat, but I convinced him to make salmon for dinner) and back to see my mom. Hopefully, after that I'll either convince my old friend to have a drink with me or I'll go work out, which I haven't done since I've been here because I've been too lazy and just wanting to catch up snuggling with my dog.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

You're My Family

I woke *A* up to make him drink some water and take some asprin and we cuddled a bit, but he's definitely drawing some boundaries on his own, which is good I think. It was hard for me to not want to just push the line. This morning he woke me up early and told me to start getting ready, even though now we have 2 hours til I leave and I didn't get enough sleep. We went to breakfast on the beach. I asked him if he'd come to my mom's funeral with me when she dies. I don't know why I'm making such a big deal about this now; I just have been feeling for weeks like I won't be able to take that and will need mega support and have been thinking about how much I'll need him there. He said yes, of course, that he's my family, so of course he'll come. I started tearing up and excused myself to the bathroom. After, that is, he joked that this is why he can't date me, because we're family. (We're not actually related in anyway; this is just how strong our friendship is.)

Friday, May 26, 2006

Leavin On a Jet Plane....And He's Asleep in My Bed!

Well, I leave tomorrow for KC for two weeks to set things up for staying for at least the summer to help take care of my mom and hopefully also get my dad back on track as well. I guess that I'll go visit my grandmother as well, even though it kills me to see her the way that she is. I'm feeling overwhelmed tonight. I had dinner with my ex-girlfriend, who clearly wanted to make out with me, but I just didn't have it in me to make a move - because of *A* and because I'm just feeling a little dead inside. I have a horrible migrane today, that actually went away for awhile while I was at dinner. I picked up drunken *A* from downtown at his request, and he almost immediately went upstairs into my bed and passed out. He's snoring horribly loud right now, and I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep with this shit. I'm also just disappointed that he wouldn't want to spend the evening snuggling with my and making out with me. I mean yes, okay, this is what I want. I'm having a hard time, and I want him to help me feel alive again, like I can just live a little bit. Dinner was really nice, on the beach, very romantic. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Well actually, clearly I know what's wrong with me; I just don't know how to fix it.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

I Don't Understand: My Best Friend and "We're Not Mature Enough"

Wow, what just happened here on my couch. *A* I think intently came over to discuss what's going to happen with the living situation. He said that he's not sure what to do since he doesn't want a relationship that it might not work well living together. I said, of course that wouldn't be good, so let's just be together already. He's said that he's not ready for a relationship.

Not ready? I've known him for 17 years. We dated for several of those years. We've both dated other people. How can he not be ready? He said: We're not mature enough.

I said, "what does that mean? You're not mature enough? You're not ready?"

*A*: You know, settling down, having a baby.

Me: Who said that's what I'm looking for? Couldn't we just be together a little bit? Be best friends and physical and live together?

*A*: That never works out.

Blah blah. Anyway, so part of him is caring about our friendship, but part of him is being afraid. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this. He was super cuddly with me afterwards as if he was torn by what he was saying. When he left he told me: You know that I love you right?

Can I Be As Tranquil as These Photographs?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Sign My Guest Book

Hey, if you haven't already, please sign my guest book at:

You don't have to use your real name. You don't need to provide your email address. Just say what brought here and give any comments you might have about the site.


Activites for Mom

I met with the family and caregiver coordinator from the local Alzheimer's Association. She lent me this book "The Best Friends Book of Alzheimer's Activities" (vol.1). The place where my mom is, often activities don't end up happening. I'm going to try to organize things on my own! Any ideas?

The Skinny

I ran into Prof. HW at school as I was leaving, and he told me about the departmental faculty meeting where all grad students are discussed. He said they talked about my neighbor having been killed and expressed concern for me but good things about me and my work. So, I'm not in the dog house with not having my thesis done, even though he said it is good to feel a little push to actually get it done. He was so super nice, and said that even though he's not formally connected to me (aka not on my committee) that he feels informally connected. :)

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

What Should I Say?

I just came from the vet to get my dog vacinated for next year and get her a health certificate to fly. They asked me why we're traveling, and I tried to make it sound nicer/less bad: "Oh my mom's not well." OR "My parents need some dog therapy." Should I just be coming out and saying "my mom is dying of Alzheimer's"? It seems so horrific and in your face to just put out there in friendly conversation. It is hard to have to confront it and confront it again. But, I hate when people say "well, I hope your mom feels/gets better." My mom isn't going to get better. And she's feels fine; she's just losing her brain. Anyway, off to work. With the Wellbrutin, I can actually get stuff done.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Travel Bag for Dog

Well, I found a new bag to take my dog on the plane with. I got a little work done and spent a lot of time with my best friend, *A*, just kind of enjoying the time we have together before I'm off to KC. Two old flings have been in contact with me about hooking up, but I honestly don't have the desire. As I simplify my life to focus on my core values - family, taking care of myself, balance, etc., I realize how much good friends mean to me. Because I can't really lean on my family, my good friends are sort of like my family. And many of you have been around for a long time.


Saturday, May 20, 2006

Will I Be The Hero of My Own Life?

I am feeling really good today. Clearly its the medication. But, I feel really good about this new path, or this new direction in my path. I am looking forward to having some time with my mom. I'm glad I'll let my parents have time with Karma. I'm glad I can keep my job and keep working to becoming a great researcher and scholar. Yeah, I'm liking this medication thing.

My Father: This Is Why I'm So Messed Up With Relationships

My dad called to update me about stuff with my mom. At the end of the conversation, he asked how things are going with *A*. I said that things are fine. He kept pushing, and I reminded him that *A* and I are just friends. He kind of pushed me on that and then moved on to explain to me about how someone needs to be in charge in a relationship. In his relationship with my mom, he said, it was him in charge. In his brother's relationship, the roles are reversed. "Someone needs to be the leader," my dad said.

I told him that I'm not interested in bossing someone around, nor do I need someone to make decisions for me. He told me that partnerships don't work; someone needs to be in charge. I ended the conversation pretty quickly at that point and went to work out. My dad laughed that he had stressed me out so much with the conversation that I needed to go let go of the stress. YES!

Wellbutrin: Took First Dose

I took the first dose this morning. I felt a little anxiety/excess energy a few hours later, but I did the Stress Eraser and that subsided. Then, I felt really sleepy and tired, but I do need sleep/haven't been sleeping well. My digestion is better today, but I also went to the acupuncturist yesterday and have been taking chinese herbs to help with that. Generally, I do feel less heaviness, less desire to cry, less sadness. I am still pretty spacey and having a hard time concentrating, but that isn't something new.

Got a Ticket & a Crazy Schedule

Well after 3 hours of searching, I got a ticket to go back to KC next Saturday. I'll be there for a little over 2 weeks, come back here for a week, go with my job to the East Coast for a week. After that, I don't know where I'll be. BUT, I'm bringing my dog to KC and am going to set up an office in my mom's office aka my sister's old bedroom. And I'm going to plan on spending as much as time as possible in KC, but while still working. It is exactly what I wanted - to be able to be with my mom every day at least a little bit and to still have some sort of balance in my life. I'm going to have to work hard though on finding ways to take care of myself - lots of massages, workouts, making sure to eat right, some time with friends, shopping, walking the dog, movies, etc.

Friday, May 19, 2006

I'm Coming to KC For a Few Weeks....If I Can Find a Ticket

Well, things with the research team went better than expected. They want me to keep the job and travel back and forth when I can, do video conferencing when I can't. They're even willing to invest in getting equipment to do it. I can't believe it. It makes me feel really important and taken care of, kind of. I didn't expect them to do this for me.

On a side note, my therapist says that I need to relish in how much others take care of me - like Sanchi, K, *A*.....

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Trying To Decide: An Exercise

What Would Happen If I Go Back To KC 'Til Fall Quarter
  1. I would likely lose my job. I wouldn't have a new job until Spring.
  2. I would have to deal with my dysfunctional family.
  3. I would get disconnected from my graduate program and my studies.
  4. It would be very draining.
  5. I would get to have precious time with my mom.
  6. I would probably get to spend some nice time with my niece.
  7. I would have more opportunities to see my grandma, perhaps on a better day when she'll recognize me and be able to interact better.
What Would Happen If I Stay Here
  1. I could keep my job.
  2. It would be very draining.
  3. I could still go back and visit KC.
  4. I would be connected to my grad program and could get more feedback on upcoming presentation and encyclopedia entry that I'm writing (that I have contract to finish July).
  5. It would be harder on the rest of my family.
  6. It would be difficult to concentrate and ground myself because part of me will be in the other place.
  7. I would miss out on time with my mom and not have say in how she's cared for like if I'm there.
  8. It would be somewhat disorienting for my mom to keep track of if I'm there or not, lots of goodbyes, and probably confusing.
What Would Happen If I Don't Go Back to KC
  1. My dad and other family will be overwhelmed. I'll still be hearing about everything on the phone.
  2. I might regret not taking the time to be with my mom.
  3. I'll be somewhat isolated likely because not with people who are dealing with same thing that I am.
  4. Don't know how well Mom will be cared for. She'll be more anxious, perhaps will go downhill faster.
What Would Happen If I Don't Stay Here
  1. I'll get disconnected from my program. I'll be the last one to get an MA in my cohort. My research will be less likely to get done, and it'll be harder to get feedback on it (unless I travel back to here).
  2. I won't have my home and my routine to ground me.
  3. I'd have to drive out to Kansas City probably, especially since I'd take the dog, and I wouldn't have anyone (other than dog) to drive with.
  4. I'd be putting my career on hold, and perhaps be moved from the "A" list of upcoming scholars in my field to the "B" list.
  5. I would likely have a hard time adjusting back later.
  6. My family would try to suck me into to not going back and into their yucky dynamics.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Maybe I Should Try Taking an Anti-Depressant?

Well, I have be so super depressed these last few weeks with moving my mom into a home and seeing how rough my dad is having it. So, I'm having a hard time working and am sad all the time, daily break into tears, my digestion is all messed up, my appetite is reduced, and I sleep very restlessly (lots o' tossing and turning). I am meeting tomorrow morning with the school psychiatrist and am thinking about asking to be put on an anti-depressant, even though I tried this once before (after I was raped) and had horrible side effects, nothing positive came of taking them. But, I am so clearly depressed now.

I am having thoughts about how much I don't want to have to go through what my mom and grandma are going through. If, god-forbid, I get Alzheimer's; I would want to kill myself before I let the plaque eat away my brain. I want this clear to any reader out there who knows who I am and might be around in that sort of situation, so that if god-willing, there is legal euthenasia, that it will be clear what I want in case I already don't have the mental capacity to do it myself. I know this is a creepy thought, but I can't help it.

On a nicer note, *A* stopped by tonight, and cheered me up for a little while. Especially seeing Alzheimer's work, it is so reasurring to have someone who knows me so well for so long. I am so appreciate right now of all of my old friends - Sanchi, K, H. And, I really hate Alzheimer's. Of all the heimers, it is clearly the worst :P

Poll with Results From Alzheimer's Assn. Message Boards

No one has responded to my question on the I went to the message boards of the Alzheimer's Association where I've gotten a lot of thought provoking comments from other people in similar situations.

Here's what I posted:
My mom has Alzheimer's and was recently moved into an assisted living facility, to the "memory care" floor. Basically, this has all become too much for my father. My mom's doctor predicts that my mom may only be around for another year. Should I move back to the city where they live to help take care of her (even though the facility is great, she still really wants family around right now)? What should I do?

Results (10 votes counted so far):
2 (20%)

Yes - go back and take care of your mom
6 (60%)

No - stay where you are but visit when you can
2 (20%)

Other - please state.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Sushi With Friend = Feel Better

I just got back from having dinner with my friend, Carly. She took me out for sushi, which I was super craving, and let me just babble on about random stuff. I do feel a lot better. I think my finally dragging my tuchus to the gym earlier helped too. I still don't know what to do but I'm thinking a lot about going back. I think that I really need to discuss it with my advisor, who is out of town until Wednesday. I'm thinking about maybe going on an anti-depressant. I tried taking this once before and had a really bad response, but I feel like maybe I'm just really needing to try it again.

1-2 Years

I just got off the phone with the family services person from the local Alzheimer's Assocation, who thankfully was more honest and blunt with me than many others have (including someone from national hotline that I called last month). She said that while this could take as much as another 20 years, it is most likely that my Mom will die in the next 1-2 years (because it is early onset and she's starting this rapid decline, and that her doctor at the facility told my sister that it will likely happen in the next year). I see now why everyone is encouraging me to go back and be with her a little bit.

I did feel releaved though when she had said at first why not see how Mom adjusts in the next couple of months and just plan on going back once a month or so. But, when we talked more, it seemed clear like going back for a longer period time will be much better. She did say though that it is a very personal decision. I don't think that I'll feel guilty either way because there is no black or white answer. I just feel like I'm going to lose both my mom and possibly my life out here and being with my family takes a big toll on me, and I just want to find a way to get through this with minimal losses, to actually get through this and not end up martyring myself like Mom did.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

I'm Not Sure What to Do

I feel stuck in this decision - should I go back to KC to take care of my mom? My cousins showed up today with an hour notice to take me to the zoo. They both said I should go back to KC, although didn't seem to want to talk about it much. Then, I had my book club even though I didn't finish the book or make it to the store to get stuff, and they didn't want to talk about it either. I understand all of this, that people don't want to talk about this, but I just feel paralyzed. I am afraid to leave my home and my life; I don't want to give this things up or live in KC. I wish I knew how long that I'll have, if I'll be strong enough, if I'll just end up getting stuck in dysfunctional family dynamics.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Should I Move Back?

I'm thinking about whether or not I should move back to KC to help take care of my mom. Even though she's in an assisted living facility on a memory care floor, she still needs family around because on some level, I've been told, she'll only really recognize my sis, dad, and me AND only feel comfortable with people who really love her and who she really loved.

But....who know's how long this will go on. How much time would I take? I'd have to quit my great opportunity of a job and give up grad school for awhile, and it would really drain me and I've got a lot of shit to deal with already. What do you think; should I move back or stay here?

Friday, May 12, 2006

Home Sweet Home

Well, I finally made it back home. My dog was sprayed by a skunk while I was gone, so I have to go bathe her, but my friend brought me a burrito for dinner, so I guess I have the energy. I have thoughts on my mind about whether or not I should go back to take care of my mom for like six months or something. But, tonight, I'm going to try to take it easy and just get unpacked and open the mail and email and try to brace myself for all of the talk about Mother's Day this weekend.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Taking Care of Myself

I feel so much better after having gone to the acupturist, had lunch with *K*, took a nap, and am just generally taking better care of myself. I've got in the back of my head that maybe I need to move out here for six months or a year, but I know that I won't really be thinking straight about anything until I get back home. It is still rough though, but I arrived at my mom's place and she was napping so I went down the street to this coffee shop and am drinking tea and eating a bar of dark chocolate. Check out the link to the company who made the chocolate that I'm eating; it is a fair trade company.


Monday, May 08, 2006

Take Care of Myself

I had an appointment with my therapist today and she kept pushing that I have to take care of myself if I want to be of use to my mom or anyone else. So, I made an appointment with my old acupunturist tomorrow and for a massage the next day and joined 24 Fitness, although maybe I'll just cancel that - I can do so within 3 days - - and just go to the Jewish Community Center for free for the next couple of days. I also haven't even been over to my mom's yet and its already 2pm....taking some time for myself :)

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Are You Going To Make It?

As I was leaving my mom's room tonight, the son of another resident looked at me and said: "You're looking pretty tired; are you going to make it?" I said yes, and I will; I know that this will pass too. But, I just don't want my mom to have to go through this. I don't want my grandmother to be suffering like she is. I don't want my sister or I or my neice or nephew to get Alzheimer's too. I don't want to be one of the only people that my father talks to. He keeps openning up to me about how my Mom saw a psychologist in junior high after her sister threw parties when their parents were out of town and would blame the mess on my mom until mom got fed up and ran away from home.

I don't want to be here going through this alone. Thank god that my sister and fam will arrive on Thursday. I know that seeing my neice's face will raise my spirits. But I wish that I wasn't going to have to keep traveling on my own. It really helped the night that *K* came out to dinner with Dad and me and drove me to Mom's facility. I don't know how I'll get any work done frome here, and I know I should take it easy, but I was supposed to launch a pilot of the research team's survey and communicate with team members across the country.

I'm just exhausted. I rarely have an appetite. My stomach is super upset in the morning. I'm not getting enough sleep. I break out crying whenever I have a moment alone and sometimes get teary in public. I feel like I'm still in shock. I can't believe that this is happening.

Strangely, considering what I was writing last week, my dad and I are bonding. He's really hurting, and he seems to really trust me and open up to me. Even though for years, he's refused to eat at more than a handful of restaurants (of course ordering the same thing every time), tonight he offered to go to Chinese restaurant (hasn't been in years!) and even tried a new soup (I haven't seen him try something new in probably 10 years!). He keeps telling me stories about him and my mom, and it just breaks my heart. It is like he's trying to prove that they had a good marriage; I can tell he feels guilty and is worried about people will see him, that maybe he'll be seen as not really loving her because he put her in this home, but clearly he does. Okay, I'm really about to start crying so I better leave the coffee shop.

Staying With My Mom

Well, I changed my flight this morning to stay in KC until next Friday. I talked to my friend Carly last night who convinced me that I should stay with here instead of coming back. When my mom called home around 8 this morning, upset because she thought that I'd leave and she wanted to say goodbye, she just sounded like she had gone to the care managers crying and upset. Maybe I'm over-reacting, but I just don't want to leave her when I know that she needs me.

Every night, I tuck her into bed. I help her get ready, pull down the covers, get her settled, turn on the tv for her, put her favorite blanket on top, give her a kiss, tell her to have sweet dreams and that I'll see her tomorrow. It is like taking care of a small child.

Carly said that I should plan on coming back to KC every month. Honestly, I don't know what I'm up for. It is so hard being here. I mean, I feel better just being here instead of worrying about how it'll be, but this is really draining. I'm spending most of my waking hours with my mom. I did, however, go to Border's last night to get presents for my neice and nephew, and the check out guy was super hard core flirting with me. He invited me to come back and meet him.

My dad has been fine. Actually, he's been openning up a lot.

God, the coffee shop is playing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" and I'm starting to cry a little bit. Not only does my mom really love this song, but it was mentioned at the funeral of my neighbor by her boyfriend who said that going to San Fran was their last trip.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Mom's in the Memory Care Facility

Well, I helped move my mother over to her new "home." She actually has been doing as well as can be expected. There have been a couple of heartbreaking moments, but the place is super nice and the staff seem to really care and are trying to help with her adjustment. The place is 100xs better than where my grandmother is, I think, and Grandma is supposed to be in a good place. Anyway, I got my mom's room together, and it is nice. Last night, we did an arrangement of dried flowers, so her room smells good too. I'm going to go over there this afternoon and again after dinner. I feel guilty when I leave her, but I know that she's adjusting to the place and that once she does, that she'll probably be even happier there than she was at home. My dad was yelling at her and had lost his patience. Here she can even talk to people without being nervous. The other residents are at her level of communication. It is actually almost funny; they can talk for a long time just about "oh what's your name?" "my name is ___". Once everyone at the table has said it, they've forgotten everyone's names so they start over. It is hard to see her like this but it makes it soo much easier knowing that she is well taken care of.

I don't even know what to do with myself now. It is time for lunch, but I am surely not hungry. I almost want to go shopping to clear my head a bit. Maybe I should go work out or something. Oy. Of course, my period is going to start today too, so I'm super emotional. I am looking forward to having dinner tonight with *K* and my dad. I feel like helping him is helping my mom in the end, because the better off he is, the better he can help care for my mom. And he has actually gone over quite a bit. I think because me and his best friend and the Alzheimer's Association and everyone have pushed it a bit. He was there this morning when I went to visit my grandmother. I think his best friend talking to him helped a lot, and also I think he is REALLY making an effort to have things go well with me because he knows that he needs help now. Okay, I feel better just writing this. I'm going to go buy my mom this toner from Body Shop that has a spray and doesn't have to be taken off and then stop by the house before going to see Mom.

Said Goodbye To Grandma

I just came from saying goodbye to my Grandmother. I really didn't want to go. I went and bought her a dozen roses and sat outside her home for a little while crying. I just didn't want to see her as bad as she is. I finally went in and broke one of the roses. But no matter, I followed the directions of my aunt to get to her room. I thought I saw her sitting watching tv. I recognized the back of her head. But when I got close and looked at her face, it just didn't look like her. "Grandma D***?" I said. She didn't respond. "That can't be her," I thought, so I went to the nurses desk and asked where she was. The nurse pointed at that woman I had been looking at, "that's her." Me: "I didn't even recognize her."

Now granted, I saw her just six months ago or so. There was no expression on her face, and her face just looked different. She still had her nails painted and her hair dyed, of course. She didn't seem to recognize me. I brought her back to her room (she's in a wheelchair now because she doesn't remember and is too weak to walk). A nurse came over and said that she has to get her ready. (My aunt told me last night that she's been having problems with them giving her proper care.) They took like 15 minutes, and I stood out in the hallway by a window crying. When I came in, I said "Does she have her hearing aides in?" The nurse looked at me and said no that she hasn't seen hearing aides for her. "She's basically deaf without them and I would like to say some things to her." I found the hearing aides next to her bed with her name and "hearing aides" written in big letters.

Anyway, she liked the flowers that I brought. And she told me "can we get everybody together?" which is a very Grandma thing to say. She would always ask to get the family together. That is what is so heartbreaking - Grandma is in there. I don't think that she really recognized me, although she did point to my neice. Maybe she thought I was my sister. So, I guess there was a little recognizition. I told her several times "Hi Grandma D****. This is (Karma), your granddaughter. I couldn't stand to be there that long. I told her that I love her and that I understand if she has to go away, that I won't be mad, but I will miss and I'll think of her often.

I took her back to the tv and kissed her and told her that I love her. She asked me not to leave, but I had to, as soon as I left, I just started sobbing. Right now, I'm across the street in the public library, still a bit teary.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Worst Migrane Ever

Wow, so yesterday afternoon I started getting a migrane. I immediately brought my tuchus to the chiropractor and already had an appointment later to go to the acupuncturist. Still, I just felt like hell. I even started vomiting, which has never happened before with a migrane. I went to bed early but still woke up early with thoughts about my mom. I still have all this work that I didn't get done. Oy. I'm going to have to let it go though and just hang on the plane and try to relax and maybe even sleep. This has just really taken a lot out of me. All of the support that I'm getting makes it much easier though, so thanks to everyone out there.