Big Discussion with Jerry Last Night
Last night, I got dressed up for a party with some girlfriends for the last episode of this season's L Word. I was looking pretty fabulous in my leather boots and had an emotional day dealing with issues discussed in the last post. Anyway, so I stopped by to Jerry's place.
Jerry put in this movie something like the Adventures of Super Dave or something. It was total stupid guy humor, and it was clear that I wasn't interested. The last of Jerry's roommates left the house, and so I made a pass at Jerry.
Jerry told me that he was tired and hadn't showered. With a little encouragement, Jerry finally said that he just wanted to shower first. So he leaves me sitting on the couch for like 15-20 minutes waiting for him. And then, the whole thing is just so awkward. It is like his whole attitude is that he'll just lay there, and I can do what I want to him. Anyway, there's not exactly a happy ending, and we end up talking about what happened and what we can do to improve the situation. (Discussion of COURSE brought up by me; he was just going to lay there silently.)
Now, this might be a little TMI, so feel free to skip ahead here, but Jerry started giving me all of these criticisms/negative feedback and sort of blamed the whole thing on me: I need to be more lubricated. I should give him more oral sex and when I do, he mentioned things that he doesn't want me to do (not any comments of, yeah I like this or that). Anyway, I am laying there a bit hurt and overwhelmed, so I say: And how about some positive feedback?
Jerry says: What, you don't want me to tell you what I like?
Me: OF COURSE, I just would like some positive comments with the negative.
We talked about what we're looking for sexually, and just said that we're looking for different things. Jerry also admitted that he didn't understand my perspective on sexuality - and it was so late and I had already tried to explain it - so I guess I have to work on better iterating my thoughts on this. It was a very awkward discussion which basically made me worried that we were breaking up or something. But, I guess things are good with us and that sex just isn't a big part of a relationship for Jerry.
This is very hard for me because I prescribe to rape culture theory and to the notion that the prevelance of rape in our society is connected to mainstream heteronormative sexuality based on traditional gender roles. Catherine McKinnon said that all heterosexual sex is rape. I believe that she meant that all heterosexual sex is built on gender roles of aggressor/taker/penatrator male and passive female. I have been able to reclaim my sexuality as a survivor by believing that I'm able to break out of this sytem of rape culture sexuality. BUT Jerry's not interested in any of this or understands it all. I'm going to give it another try, but this could seriously be the thing that ends us.