I apologize for not posting for awhile. I've become buried in teaching my class this quarter. Today I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all. After some recent conversations with students, an in-class assignment checking how much they're understanding, and mid-quarter evaluations, I see that half of my students are afraid to talk much in class because they feel like the other half is going to feel offended. And the other half of the class is sick of hearing offensive comments by the first half. Both sides seem to blame me.
I showed a movie "Narrow Bridge" last night at Hillel, which was a HUGE disappointment. Hillel apparently did not even publicize the event, despite promises to me that they would. So hardly anyone showed up.
And so what's the pattern? I feel overwhelmed by my current situation, and I feel unsupported. I feel like I have to just get through it and hope that something better will be in my future. But, I always just end up feeling this same way again. Its like as much as time flies and things change, these patterns don't go anywhere.
I'm frustrated at the way that things are going with my current therapist. On days when I feel upset towards the end of a session, she tells me that we're nearing the end of our time, and then a few minutes later picks up her date book (even though we now have regular appointments) but to signal to me that its time for me to leave. It makes me feel like no matter what I'm feeling, I'm stuck with it until our next session next week. Too bad for me. I even called her today to tell her that I'm feeling this, because a couple of sessions ago, she told me that she thinks I don't take in how much she truly cares about me. Well HELLO this is why.
I'm feeling exhausted today after much running around, in part made more insane by a classmate coming in to town and last minute expecting me to turn my plans around to take her places. I have to pick up my mentee in an hour and spend the evening with her and a meeting of the organization. Then, tomorrow, I'm meeting with my research team. Saturday, I've got plans to take a day off to go to a meditation workshop. Sunday, planning for classes on Monday -- and that cycle won't end until next week Wednesday night.
I want to find some new way of being where I can remain grounded, where I can feel supported, where I'm being productive with my time and energy instead of running around in these stupid pattern cycles. I want to have someone to freakin come home to at the end of a day to give me a hug and just breathe with. I think that the meditation will help a bit, but really there needs to be a major shift that I'm not exactly sure how to make happen.
Labels: exhaustion, patterns, social support, stress, teaching