JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008


So as I mentioned in a previous post, I found out that I'm allergic to wheat. Since I started my wheat free diet about two weeks ago, I've been having all of these weird symptoms. I developed a yeast infection. I felt depressed and then, now, really angry. I've had some intestinal "issues".

I realize that all of these symptoms are about my body detoxing. I think that the anger is actually something that I've held on to inside for years, but been able to really drop in to. Like many women, I have a hard time letting myself feel anger. It quickly turns to depression.

I'm disappointed with my whole dating life. One guy ended up being SOO weird. The other guy is blowing me off completely. As I look back over my past relationships, I notice that many of my partners are so clearly wrong for me. There are very few that I look back on and can honestly say that knowing them as I do now that I really loved them. Often, I idealized them while we were dating and projected the person that I wanted them to be.

While my instinct is to just eat and drink myself into this period passing, I know that the best path is to just let myself do this detox, to let come whatever arises, and then let it pass when its ready.

Labels: , ,

Monday, April 21, 2008

Too Hard to Swallow

I called my dad this morning while walking my dog. He told me that Mom is having a hard time swallowing pills these days; she just chews on them. So she's being moved to liquid medications for Ativan (which she takes to reduce seizures) a stool softener, and pain medication. She's being taken off Namenda and vitamins. Its a turn in the road from trying to extend her life to just making her comfortable.

Also, Mom's been having more seizures, so her Ativan is being increased which potentially means that she'll be sleeping more during the day and be more drowsy and out of it. At the same time, she's losing her ability to walk and get around. Pretty soon she'll be bed-ridden.

Last night, I had this great first date, walking on the beach with a guy who is an environmentalist and massage therapist for a living, plays music for fun, has a daughter that he is dedicated to, cares about politics, and just seems all around fantastic. Of course, my sense is that he's not AT ALL into me.

I went to the allergist today. I figure that if the migraines I get are triggered by food than perhaps that means I have food allergies. So, I got skin tested and found out that I'm allergic to WHEAT!!! Oy! There's wheat in EVERYTHING including, of course, matzah. So I'm charged with eliminating wheat completely from my diet for a month and then re-evaluate. I might be able to deal with the small amounts of wheat in processed foods at that point.

But, despite all of this, I'm actually in good spirits when I'm not mourning the above. I just completed my dissertation proposal (which tomorrow will be off to my committee for comments and revisions). It feels very good to be home. I attended a fantastic women's (mostly lesbian) seder two nights ago. And I'm appreciating that I DO have some really fantastic local friends - - Alena and Tara, Linda and Leslie, Jennifer, and Tonya. And I am very lucky to be in the situation that I'm in with my research team and excited to be coming to the last leg of my degree.

Labels: , , , ,

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Homecoming After a Whirlwind Tour

I just arrived home after 3 weeks away: I flew to Kansas City and arrived late after 10pm. Then, I drove the next morning in my Dad's car to St. Louis for a conference where I gave two presentations back to back over lunch. Then, a good friend of mine from Indianapolis drove in to spend the weekend with me.

Next, back to Kansas City for a visit with the family and a meeting with hospice. So, how was Mom? Everyone agrees that she's declining fast. She's still having seizures, and the Ativan helps less and less over time. Eventually we'll have to decrease the dose. And if we increase it anymore, Mom will likely be bedridden she'll be so out of it. But then again, she's developing what's called gate, which means that she is struggling to move around, shuffles her feet without getting very far, and sometimes just falls to the ground.

And then there's the issue of eating: Mom is losing weight, which is a sign that she's not getting enough to eat. Clearly, the staff at her facility aren't prompting her as much as she needs. But hospice won't admit that.

Mom looked small, frail, older, weaker, more confused, less responsive, and she's hard to move around. I brought her up frozen yogurt in her favorite flavor, white chocolate moose, but I had to actually feed it to her, and she would forget what it was that she was eating after every couple of bites.

I don't think that I'll probably see Mom again. I don't have plans to go back, and she can't survive for too long under these circumstances, that is clear. Well, I guess nothing is clear, since it was a full two years ago that my sister was told that my mom probably wouldn't live longer than 6 months.

After Kansas City, I flew to the Northwest for another conference. I got very drunk one night at a lesbian bar with classmates. I ended up seriously making out with my ex-girlfriend. She has a boyfriend by the way. What a mess! I'm so clearly still head over heels for her. So I had a talk with her yesterday about boundaries and put everything on the table of what's going on for me. She said that she'll try to respect the boundaries and apologized. She told me that if she wasn't with her boyfriend, she would want to date me. She's not going to tell him what happened; apparently they have some sort of agreement that if something happens while they're drunk at a bar, that its okay and not to tell the other person. What a messy drama.

Anyway, now that I'm back at home, I finally have time to deal with all of these emotions - the grief about my mother, regret about how things went with my ex as well as longing to have someone to share my life with, overwhelmed about how much work I have to do, anxiety about the future, and relief to finally be home again. I'm grateful for a good airline experience today, that I finally got over my cold that I caught in KC, to be back with my dog, and that I have so many friends and role models.

Labels: , , ,