Okay, I had originally said that I wouldn't talk about it on my blog because I know that she has the address, but I haven't heard from Kathy since last night and she's deleted me as her friend on myspace.com, and I don't have anyone to talk about this. I want to try to figure out here what happened with our friendship.
We had an amazing friendship for the last four years until about a month or so ago. I mean really amazing; she was one of my best friends and had been very supportive during the back and forth time. I know that she's been going through a hard time, so I've let it go that I we haven't been speaking much. I was more than a little disappointed when she didn't show up at Grandma's funeral or shiva until I gave her a hard time - and then she showed up at shiva long enough to tell me that she was busy and that if I wanted support that I should go find the bartender that I've had a fling with.
Then I didn't hear much from her until around the day before she left town around Christmas. I was sick, but she was trying to insist to come over - even though the doctor had told me that I was very contagious and shouldn't be around anyone who hasn't had a flu shot. She's been like this for awhile - wanting to do things for me that drain her and then resenting me. And I've been trying to tip toe around it, trying to figure out which things are those draining her and avoiding those and figuring out on my own what might be more mutually benefitical. But, nothings been working.
I only saw her twice since then - once was last night
and the other time was the night that she got back into town last week. She wouldn't give any suggestions where we should have dinner, and it was clear that she wasn't happy where we went. We had talked about meeting up since then, but she only seemed interested if we'd work together (and I honestly haven't been working since I've been here, which I've tried to explain to her) or if my friend Ken was involved. Ken would tell both of us things that the other one had said, and I think created some anomosity between Kathy and me. I don't even know what happened, but I'm not sure what was said between them; only that they did speak about me several times including her telling him that I've been through a rough time and to be gentle with me or something like this. I don't even know. All I know though that is it seems that my friendship with him is apparently fucked up too.
See, here is a mistake that I can pinpoint: Last summer, I suggested that Kathy consider a fling with my friend and ex-lover Ken. I didn't realize it, but she started chatting him up over myspace. She has only been interested in the last week in meeting up when Ken might be around - when I tell her that he's not available, then she's busy; if he is around, then she insistent that we hang out. But, meeting up never happened. Last Saturday night, she had dinner with her friend Shawn, so I met up with Ken and some other friends. Kathy said that she was having dinner at 6pm, and I suggested that she call me afterwards if she wanted to meet up. She didn't call until 9:30pm, and then called 3 times - like every 15 minutes. We were in the middle of a board game, Rummy Q, so finally someone not in a corner gets up to get my phone and Kathy freaks out at me, even as I try to explain that I can't really talk right then. I get Ken to take me home so that I can call her in private, and then she like doesn't want to talk anymore.
Last night, we had plans to go out, and she had the nerve to come to dinner and then lie to my face that she was going home for a nap, when in reality, she went over to her friend Shawn's place. I think that she intended from there to spend New Year's with him, but still arranged to have me pick her up. I left my Mom's early to do so, only to hear at that point "I'm tired and I don't want to go out." She didn't bother to call me to let me know her change of plans so that I could spend more time with my mom. She didn't say, can we all hang out at someone's place and do something low key, she just blew me off. I was in shock. When I got to Merissa's place, I asked her and her mom to give me some privacy to call Kathy and find out what was happening. Kathy like was annoyed that I was saying anything at all and acted like I was completely off base. When I told her that I feel like she doesn't care about me, she gave me some example of caring about me months ago - I know that she cared about me months ago; I just feel like she hasn't cared much for the last monthish.
She seemed to just want to get off the phone. I haven't heard from her since. I think that the best thing is probably just not to talk to her for awhille, butI just don't understand what the hell happened. And now I've lost my best friend, and I'm heartbroken. I don't understand how she could lie to me, consistently blow me off, and get annoyed with me whenever I tried to bring up anything real going on.
Part of me is afraid to publish this because maybe she'll read it and just get more angry with me, but I feel like this is my space to deal with these sorts of things, and I need to start coming to terms with what's happened because clearly she's not interested in resolving things - broken is the way that our friendship will remain. And after everything that I've lost in 2006 and a four year close friendship, I just can't believe that she would treat me like this.
Labels: betrayal, evaluating, friends, friendship, heartbreak, Kathy