Perfectionism and the Pull to Succeed: Why Balance is Such a Struggle

This afternoon, I went to the third session of the grad student support group at the counseling center at school. I did most of the talking today, which I try to keep myself from doing, but everyone else is so quiet. Anyway, the topic became my struggle to find balance in my life and having to deal with pressure from my advisor and others in the department.

It actually kind of annoyed me that everyone all of a sudden claimed that they have all of this balance. But then when I pushed them on it, turns out that they work all the time, round the clock. One guy says to me, well I take breaks playing video games, as IF that is balance.

Here's where I got caught up on the way that I'm thinking about all of this: So, besides a weekend in San Francisco to visit a couple of friends coming in from Indiana for a weekend (where I'll be working on my thesis part of the time) AND going to a wedding the next weekend in Denver with *A*, there is no time for a proper vacation, not any time soon. And, I (and my friend Kathy!) desperately need some real time (like a couple of days at least) to just relax and not have to even think about my research or my job or my family. But, as things are now, it just isn't going to happen.

And, in order to get through all of my data, which my advisor wants me to do, will take me 2 weeks straight of work. That means I won't meet the deadline of getting a draft done of my thesis before I go to KC Dec. 11.

I'm under all of this pressure to work harder, to do things well, to present at more places, to put in more hours, to get things done faster...pressure from my advisor, pressure from my research team, pressure from other grad students. I know all of this pressure and stress has a BIG impact on my migraines and my other health problems. Basically, it makes me sick.

So what am I supposed to do? Do I stay on this path where I'm expected to work 80 hours/week? Is this path why I'm not in a relationship or any where near ready to have kids? Balancing everything seems impossible. Will I ever have the opportunity to go back to Israel and still be an academic? How much is my perfectionism a reflection of my drive to become someone not my parents?

Honestly, maybe I wonder if this group was good for me; it made me think a lot about things, but it also made me question things that I don't want to be questioning. I feel like they were kind of judgemental and didn't even really get to hear all of the complexities of my story - that I work so hard to keep the option open of getting at job at a university and because I really care passionatlely about the topics and the people that participate in my studies. I don't think that they really understood that my work really makes a difference and that it is different than just working in the corporate world. I don't know. I'm going to try to do some work tonight on my thesis because I spent all day working on my advisor's research/my job.

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