Some Thoughts To Larry

After I met his family, Larry told me "I love you." I felt both my heart rise and sink. There are so many times that I've felt myself scream "I love you" inside. But, I'm so afraid of what these words mean. So many people who I've loved have used my love as a way to manipulate me and to put up with being hurt and abused. I've forever been a hopeless romantic, but I've also consistently fallen too quickly. Part of how I get hurt is the pain of seeing someone learn who the real me is and then decide that that's not someone they even like.

You and I have only been together a month. Its been a fairy tale month of roses wrapped in love notes, concerts, amazing meals, laughter, teddy bear snuggles, and joy. I like hearing your voice before I go to bed at night. When you hold me, it is like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. When you look at me, I feel something inside melt. And you are quickly becoming my best friend. I know that my challenge is to not lose myself in all of this and to take the time to get to know you properly. I want you to love me for who I really am, and for me to love you for who you really are - the flaws and complexities and all.

There's something that I've been holding back for you out of fear. I still have feelings for my ex-girlfriend and friend Jennifer. I have been afraid to talk with you about this for fear that you'll be frustrated and leave me. But, I want us to have an honest and open relationship, and hence I think that I should come clean to you. I think that part of what I'm feeling for her is coming from psychological defenses: I have this pattern of finding a way "out" of relationships, especially within the first month, and I think that these feelings for Jennifer are a way of providing this "out." In a way, you could see this as an honor -- I haven't been able to find something about you that's been a red flag, like there has been in past relationships. The other thing that's going on here is that because my mother is dying -- it feels like there's something wrong. By this I mean that I feel like its just wrong that that she will die, especially this way. This feeling of something being wrong generalizes -- so I feel like something's just wrong and I can't figure out what it is. Sometimes that leads me to question things...everything...until I realize that its just about my Mom.

I hope that you still want to be with me. I hope that you'll take the time to get to know and appreciate all parts of me -- flaws and all. I hope that you'll have patience for the fact that I'm going through a very difficult time in life and that I'm far from perfect and certainly not well knowledged in being in a successful relationship. Know that I've come to care about you very deeply, and that I am also falling for you. The words "I love you" though will terrify me though until I know you deeply and intimately, so that my love will be based on appreciation for every part of you and not projections of who I want you to be.

Some Good Times

Well my loyal blog readers, not to fear: my life is going alright these days, despite the fact that my mother's last days loom in the future. I am arranging to travel to Kansas City for a month, to have my kitchen remodeled while I'm gone, to bring my dog with me and somehow drive us both by myself, pack up whatever's left at my dad's....Earlier this week, I had a horrible 3 day migraine, in part from all of the stress.

At the same time, I'm still dating Larry, and he continues to make me happy. I just successfully defended my dissertation proposal, with flying colors by the way. There was an argument about WHO would help get my dissertation published as a book. Two of the scholars that I work with took me out for a very fancy and expensive dinner last night. I have a lot of friends here. I'm working out often at a women's gym that I love. So, on the day to day, things in my life are great. I'm holding in there, although I often cry at night thinking about Mom, and I was very upset the night before my oral defense, knowing that I wouldn't have Mom to call to tell about it.

Upping Medication, Hernia, and Dissertation Proposal Defense

Mom's medication is being upped, but they're spreading it out so that she won't be asleep all the time. Dad had hernia micro-surgery yesterday and is still recovering. Tomorrow, I've got a meeting with my dissertation committee to defend my dissertation proposal. There's a lot of stress, to say the least.

On top of it, Larry stops by tonight; he says to be there for me. Then, he tells me that his friend is having a celebration of his own because he'll be advancing to candidacy. And he wants to go. Although, he's not straightforward about telling me this; its all sort of circular. So he cancels our plans to go out to dinner.

This process sucks. I am probably not for dating right now. I'm overwhelmed with emotions, and sometimes not sleeping so fantastically. Everything is up in the air for tomorrow as to if I'll go on the job market this summer, what my dissertation will look like, and if I'll be able to take time off easily to be with Mom and then mourn her approaching death. I want to call her and have her comfort me, but that's not an option. I want to call her after the defense and have her be proud of me. Tonight, I'm feeling sad and stressed. But I'm also grateful to those loyal blog readers of mine. Thanks for your support.

More Seizures and My Father's About to Burst

Mom had another seizure today. She might have had one yesterday too: no one saw it, but she was very sleepy, which is often a sign that a seizure occurred for her. If you've been reading along, you probably already know that pretty soon, her meds will be increased for seizures, which will have side effect of making her sleep all the time. Yup, that's right, not ever wake up again. And shortly after that, she'll pass.

So, word of her having a seizure is terrifying. But, I didn't hear from my father or from hospice, both of whom I would expect to call me. My sister just happened to stop by to visit Mom, and then, she called me.

It hit me that she's supposed to get an extra dose of Ativan when she has a seizure to prevent further seizures, but she's had several repeated seizures. So, I called Mom's facility and asked to speak to the med tech, who not only confirmed that Mom didn't get that extra dose, but that she thought that the liquid Ativan prn was only to be given as a substitute for the pills if Mom is unconscious. So, I asked to speak with the nurse on call, who didn't call me. Then, I called the hospice nurse who said she'd take care of it. Then, I called back a couple of hours later and spoke with the new med tech working (the other had finished her shift). The new med tech told me that Mom still hadn't gotten that extra Ativan, although she said, she should have. However, since that was before her shift, she couldn't do anything about it.

Then, I called the nurse of the facility and the hospice nurse. The nurse of the facility told me that she hadn't even been informed that Mom had a seizure and apologized. The hospice nurse first told me that Mom should get the extra Ativan, and then called me later to tell me that it was too late (after she spoke with the med tech of the facility). I think the med tech was just refusing to do it. The hospice nurse said that it wouldn't hurt Mom, but that it could help.

I fear that Mom will have a bigger seizure tomorrow, which could potentially have been prevented if she got her prescribed medication, and that this will all hasten the upping of her medication overall, and hence, her death. I'm angry that perhaps her earlier 4 seizures in 4 days could have been prevented, especially since that caused her to lose her ability to walk or even stand.

I'm angry at my father, who after finally calling me back, told me that there's no reason to tell me or my sister when things happen because there's nothing we can do and he's busy. I really hate him sometimes.

I don't know what I'm going to do when she passes. I had thought of driving up and staying with my father for a month, but I see now that I can't do that. I won't put myself through his verbal and emotional abuse. I will however, let go of the fact that he's giving away all of her stuff to my sister and his friends, and not even mentioning things to me. When I told him that I'd take their wedding china, after he threatened to just get rid of it, then he told me that I can't have it and is being insistent that my sister take it, even though she has our tante Christel's china. I don't need to spend any time or effort on these material things. I need to focus on Mom and dealing with my grief. I also need to deal with trying to catch up and get ahead with work stuff so that when need be, I can just drop it all and run to Kansas City. I need to figure out how the hell to get there and if I'll take my dog and where I'll stay.

On the upside, school is going well and this new man, Larry, is fantastic. With the exception of these all too often crises, things in my life are going well. If only I had my Mom to share it with.