Rejection

I've been working on this article for the last year. My advisor had been asked to write something for a new journal and worked out for them to solicit something from me. It was related to my thesis but needed to be significantly reworked to fit their guidelines. Anyway, I spent probably 100 hours on this article, working often while in Kansas City, often working on it instead of spending time with my mom.

I'm so angry and disheartened and depressed by the news. It feels horrible to be rejected when I thought my article was already kinda accepted. I can't believe how much time is down the drain!!!!

I would love to spend the night tonight be comforted by a friend or something. But, no one's around apparently. I'm going to get a facial and then have a quiet night at home.

Exhaustion: A Familiar Feeling

I feel completely and totally exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I want to cry, but I can't let myself sit down long enough to do so. Last Friday, I had intended to go to a vigil, but I was stuck meeting with an advisor until 5:30pm, so I couldn't go. I worked most of the weekend, and even on Saturday when I got a massage, I couldn't stop myself from talking to the therapist. My body is on such a run mode, that even when I'm relaxing, I can't stop from these constant thoughts. I can't really relax in this state.

I won't bother you with any more details of my running around, but suffice it to say that I have almost no time for myself. And I'm so behind with work that I'm no longer working very efficiently or effectively.

Mom is doing really badly - she's completely incontinent now, she's barely walking anymore, she won't eat unless nudged and reminded. I can't get anyone from hospice to call me back, and I just feel crappy knowing that she's doing so badly and there's nothing I can do.

I know that I need to not be working so hard and such long hours, but I'm so behind with work, its hard to stop. As my mother compares to disappear, I find myself more and more wanting someone to take care of me, and really feeling the loss of not having someone to do that. I'm almost angry at other people for not taking care of me and feeling like people who cannot do so are not worth my time right now. I know that the first step really is to learn to take care of myself.

Happy V-Day!

Today is Valentine's Day and V-Day, a day to challenge sexual violence against women. I met one of the editor's of the book you see pictured here. Its pretty fantastic; I recommend that you check it out.

I'm also feeling a bit lonely and depressed, despite that I am surrounded by friends and good people. But, I lack a partner, a person to share my life with who I would like to honor today. If that person existed. Instead, its just me and the dog!

I should be finishing up this paper that I thought was due tomorrow but I just got an email saying that I can have until March 1. That's good because I haven't felt much like working all day. I haven't been feeling very focused in awhile actually. I'm having an allergic reaction to something, not sure what, but I'm covered in hives all over my body, the worst of which is on my thumb. Plus, I've had some mild chest pains off and on. Luckily, I have an appointment to get acupuncture tomorrow, and my healer has an expertise in handling allergies.

Someone near by was murdered recently for being gay. Its pretty sad and angering. I'm hoping to go to a vigil. And then Saturday will be my healing day as I'm getting a massage and probably staying in with a movie. Sunday, I promised my friends that I'd go out to the club with them because there's no school Monday. However, an old friend is coming in town to give a talk that I organized. She leaves Tuesday; I teach Wednesday. Do you feel exhausted just hearing about this all? In between, I've got research work to do, fellowships to apply for, and more conference papers to write.

I'm looking forward to a few months from now when I don't have the teaching responsibilities, have these conferences behind me and can focus on getting some research done. I'm also looking forward to the day when I'm in a relationship again. But, in the meantime, I'm going to try to enjoy the present moment.

Link

Vote: Its Important!

Just a reminder that it is very important to vote in both the primary and the Nov. election. If you're not sure who to vote for, check out this site which will tell you which candidate best fits your ideas: www.speakout.com/VoteMatch.

Time Flies, Same Patterns Emerge

I apologize for not posting for awhile. I've become buried in teaching my class this quarter. Today I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all. After some recent conversations with students, an in-class assignment checking how much they're understanding, and mid-quarter evaluations, I see that half of my students are afraid to talk much in class because they feel like the other half is going to feel offended. And the other half of the class is sick of hearing offensive comments by the first half. Both sides seem to blame me.

I showed a movie "Narrow Bridge" last night at Hillel, which was a HUGE disappointment. Hillel apparently did not even publicize the event, despite promises to me that they would. So hardly anyone showed up.

And so what's the pattern? I feel overwhelmed by my current situation, and I feel unsupported. I feel like I have to just get through it and hope that something better will be in my future. But, I always just end up feeling this same way again. Its like as much as time flies and things change, these patterns don't go anywhere.

I'm frustrated at the way that things are going with my current therapist. On days when I feel upset towards the end of a session, she tells me that we're nearing the end of our time, and then a few minutes later picks up her date book (even though we now have regular appointments) but to signal to me that its time for me to leave. It makes me feel like no matter what I'm feeling, I'm stuck with it until our next session next week. Too bad for me. I even called her today to tell her that I'm feeling this, because a couple of sessions ago, she told me that she thinks I don't take in how much she truly cares about me. Well HELLO this is why.

I'm feeling exhausted today after much running around, in part made more insane by a classmate coming in to town and last minute expecting me to turn my plans around to take her places. I have to pick up my mentee in an hour and spend the evening with her and a meeting of the organization. Then, tomorrow, I'm meeting with my research team. Saturday, I've got plans to take a day off to go to a meditation workshop. Sunday, planning for classes on Monday -- and that cycle won't end until next week Wednesday night.

I want to find some new way of being where I can remain grounded, where I can feel supported, where I'm being productive with my time and energy instead of running around in these stupid pattern cycles. I want to have someone to freakin come home to at the end of a day to give me a hug and just breathe with. I think that the meditation will help a bit, but really there needs to be a major shift that I'm not exactly sure how to make happen.