The Date: Total Disaster

So, I had run into the "nice guy" (hereby known as NG) Friday night at this bar. I went for a graduate student happy hour, and he and some co-workers just randomly happened to be there. The place was so packed that it was hard to move around, and I had just finessed my way through the entire place, only to find that NO one that I knew was there. So NG says hello and introduces me to a couple of co-workers (although it is somewhat hard to talk because it is loud). He says that they're going out for dinner, and I have to admit that I'm somewhat disappointed that he's going to leave me here alone.

Then, as we're talking, a woman that did some teacher training with me came over and we started talking. She and Stuart kinda nodded to each other as if they knew each other, and then Stuart completely disappeared. She seemed kinda awkward about the whole thing, and I got the sense that they had dated.

Then, as you can see from yesterday's post, I had to really drag myself out last night after a sad conversation with Mom, where it was clear that her condition is worsening. He had made a suggestion of where we should go for our first date and paid for it, I took the second date, so this was his turn, but he like couldn't be bothered to come up with anything. I mentioned that there was this movie that I wanted to see, and he sounded interested. So yesterday, before the date I purchased us tickets to the movie, and finally NG suggested this one Italian place (that is way highly over-rated and relatively cheap for the area).

We met in front of the Italian place (NG's idea), and he was in line to put our name down. They told us it would be 45 minutes (very normal for this area on a weekend), so NG said we should look at some places on the street near where he parked. The whole time, he seems just completely uninterested in anything that I try to say and has a hard time making conversation himself.

The dinner was painful (although the food was good). I asked NG about the woman from the bar, and he said that they had gone out, and then he never called her. (LOVELY - and a clear sign that he's not interested in developing connections with people, only a RELATIONSHIP.)

I pointed out that he seemed "tired", and he was all like offended and says, I would say the same about you. I told him that I had a rough conversation with my mom, and he says "So what does she remember when you talk to her?" It was such a broad question, I wasn't even sure how to answer.

It only gets worse. NG says: "So the movie is about Israel?"

Me: "No, its about Nazi Germany." NG goes on about how he made some comment to his dad comparing Bush and Hitler, and the dad got upset, but NG couldn't understand why. (Um, hello, I don't like Bush either but that's offensive, especially to a Jewish person.) Later, NG makes some comment that he's not sure if the Jewish population will ever be what it was because the population is declining and the real problem is that some Jews don't want to have kids after seeing how bad the world can be. I say, actually the reason for the decline recently is inter-marriage and that people aren't raising their kids Jewish. NG: "I hope so."

At that point, I wonder what the hell he is even thinking. I mean, hello, he's not Jewish; I am. He's probably not willing to put anything into raising his kids Jewish, so....Anyway, at this point, I told him that I'm not up for seeing a Holocaust movie and that I just want to go home. He hugs me, awkwardly, and we leave. I doubt that I'll hear from him again. Nor, do I want to. I think there's a lesson here, and I'm not exactly sure what it is. It does make me think about questions posed in previous posts about how relationships are supposed to work.

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AUUGGHHHH, But I'm Still Trying

I was reading a recent post of Gail's and realizing that we're describing a similar feeling to very different situations. Like her, I realize that my disappointments are petty, but I'm still just kinda down and frustrated.

I'm pushing myself hard to get out there and do things with other people, to find balance, to heal. Tonight, I went to this demonstration at school, where hardly anyone paid any attention to me (granted the whole thing was majorly disorganized, but I felt invisible). Then, *A* had asked if I'd have dinner with him, but I forced myself somehow to go to this Hillel happy hour - at a place that didn't even HAVE a happy hour. So, I paid $13 for a margarita and a couple nachos (that I didn't want to eat but the other 2 wanted to order). Oh, not before I ran into *A* though, just to make me feel anxious. And, where was I? Oh yes, the conversation at the happy hour was horribly bad, the person who organized it just kept saying how she didn't care about grad students or organizing anything else despite my many ideas, and then my ex-boyfriend shows up with the new woman he's seeing.

My advisor pushed me again to give up on my research and take up hers instaed. My research team threw me way too much work that they want asap even though they have been messing up everything I've already done. My thesis work is going SO SO slow. And, I still have NO plans for Saturday night.

I just feel really overwhelmed and isolated.