Complete Exhaustion

Last night I had a date with Michael who basically said that he wants to move forward into a relationship and probably doesn't want to see me anymore if I'm not there. So, I guess we may stop seeing each other. Michael is the guy who is super sweet but who I haven't felt that attracted to. But, we have a great time together, and I feel us developing this friendship which could turn into something more. On his end, I understand that he keeps taking me out for these expensive dinners and what is he getting in return.

My neighbors were outside and being very funny as Michael and I were discussing this in his car at the end of the date. One actually came up and looked at the car and then went to my front door. So, I got out and talked to them, breaking the awkwardness in the car. Turns out that a different neighbor was smoking pot and burning stuff, and they just wanted to check up on me since this car parked in front of my place was also there earlier in the night. It was kinda funny and they were embarrassed later for clearly breaking up my date. But, it was nice to chat with them, and they are lending me a sleeping bag.

I came home and for the first time in a while didn't chow down on anything. I just relaxed a bit before bed. Then, I slept fantastically and a half hour later than usual. But, I'm still exhausted today and took an almost 2 hour nap when I felt a migraine coming on. I missed this workshop that I was going to go to on campus. I'm just exhausted. It is hard for me to work even now; I kinda just want to watch tv on the couch and snuggle with my very cute pooch. But, I'll press on.

Extra, Extra: One Year Anniversary

A reporter knocked on my door last night to try to get me to go on camera to talk about the murders last year. I, of course, insisted on maintaining my privacy, but in being polite, a lot of stuff was brought up for me.

I called my neighbors to warn them about the reporter, and they insisted on coming over to get me and bring me over to their place. I was supposed to have been on campus with school friends, but it was nice to just feel safe near home and not have to go anywhere.

My neighbors met up with me again tonight, and we burned sage all around our places and the place of the neighbor that was murdered. And, I lit a yarzeit candle. It made me feel so much better to be dealing with this with others, and my neighbors are just such down to earth, sweet people; its just a nice change of pace.

I met with my pusher today aka my psychiatrist. We came up with a plan for me to go off of meds for sleeping, which will make me clean altogether. Its a six week plan, but I'm glad to be working on it. Of course, I'm having a hard time finding a pharmacy that carries the lowest dose of the meds, so I am running around in circles a bit, but Costco said they'll have it tomorrow after 2pm.

Update on the dating thing: I sent Jerry a text on Sunday: "Thinking of you and smiling." Several hours later, he sent something back like "Smiling back atcha." Then, he sent me an email yesterday, which I replied to too quickly. I brought up going out again. I haven't heard back yet. I'm trying to push myself to not obsess about any of this.

Update on Mom: I spoke with her twice today on the phone. I've been calling often. When I ask her how she's doing, she often says "busy." She tells me that she has lots to do and sighs that she's tired. I think this is a sign that she's not sleeping properly through the night.

Good Neighbors

My neighbors had me over for dinner last night, and then we watched a movie I had netflixed "World Trade Center." I didn't talk at all about family stuff or my problems. It was exactly what the therapist suggested I try - a more superficial interaction. And actually, I was quite comforted by it, especially since it saved me from having to cook and from having to watch that movie alone. I felt somewhat vulnerable last night and having that interaction just made me feel okay again.

I feel like if I put all of my energy into coping with all of this, that I can do okay. The problem is that I have to work and finish my thesis, and the more expectations on me and focus that gets taken away from healing, the more I struggle. Then again, I don't want to scapegoat my work. Part of me knows that I just gotta get my thesis done already. I'm trying to find balance in moving forward with my work, but not pushing myself too hard.

Today, I'm lucky to have structure for this. Today is queer study group, dinner, L-Word, go out to a club night. There are a couple of people there that I know well, some recent acquaintances, and some that I don't really know. But, I think it'll be good to be out and hopefully the energy of everyone else working will give me some focus.