Taking Care of Myself

I had called my therapist to talk with her about how I was feeling. And she was completely unhelpful. I just really got the sense that she was trying to get me off the phone. That kinda frustrated me, especially her advice to just handle the anxiety. I feel like when I have anxiety sometimes it is because I have anxious tendencies and I need to just deal with that but other times its pointing out something important and I need to pay attention to that.

But as I move away from reacting to her and being able to look more clearly at what's going on, I've decided to put a lot this weekend into taking care of myself. I went to acupuncture this morning, am getting a massage this afternoon, going to a movie with friends (after I made the first move). Tomorrow I'm going to buy myself a bicycle, get some exercise, get a facial, and go along with friends to a barbecue.

I've got a lot of work to do and am also trying to get a lot done so that I'll have time to be with Jerry when he returns. So much work!

And its just another week until I'm off to Kansas City to see my parents.

Taking the Path of Least Resistence: Baby Steps Instead of Leaps

I'm trying to not force myself to do things so much and to be able to reconnect with my gut. So, instead of dealing with the whole "Notebook" issue, I just went over to some friends' place to watch the "L Word." *A* ended up getting dropped off over at my place after going bowling and drinking, so he spent the night, and we had breakfast. But, I have come to terms better now that what we have is a friendship. In part, I feel this way because I'm pretty convinced that he's gay.

But anyway, today, I'm trying to force myself to get into my thesis work, but this is somewhat unsuccessful. I know that getting the thesis done is the key to having options about moving forward with my life including being able to spend some time with Mom again.

I'm trying to work on the task that the therapist from Kansas City left me with, to connect with more people but on more superficial levels. I tend to get too dependent and emeshed with a small group of people. She pointed out that healthy people have connections with people on mulitple levels of depth, and that task is to work on just getting out there more and connecting with more people.

Tonight I have a first date with someone that I met last year on match.com but never bothered meeting because I was traveling so much. We're just meeting for a drink at the bar around the corner. My friend, Merissa, might come up to town to visit later this week. I'm proud of myself for not isolating myself. Now, if I could only concentrate on getting my work done!

More Baby Steps, More Hurdles

The baby steps: I'm keeping up with therapy, but I notice some resistance on my part to really get in touch with my grief and sense of loss and pain about my mother. I'm keeping up with work and plugging away ever so slowly at my thesis. I have a date on Friday night, and I haven't had a lot of contact with *A* this week (in part because he's blowing me off, but also I'm not responding to it). Also, I had lunch with an old acquiantance today. Also, I met with the psychiatrist who told me that the medication probably stopped working because the depression has cleared up, and I don't need an anti-depressant anymore.

The hurdles: I'm still struggling to find time for everything. I'm still way behind in all of my work, not working out as much as I want, not doing the Stresseraser as much as I'm supposed to inorder to long term lower my anxiety level.

And, okay, this is really embarrassing, but I'll tell you in my spirit of being completely honest. I passed about a teaspoon or so blood last night in my stool. I went to student health, who had me meet with a nurse and told me that it is just hemroids. Its probably caused by the chronic digestive problems that I've suffered from influenced by stress. Stress is really taking a toll on my body. If this doesn't start to heal up, I may have to have minor surgery.

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